Getting (or giving) "the ICK" - Real Love
Share
We usually talk about “the ick” in dating — that sudden emotional recoil when someone’s laugh, habits, or tiny quirks suddenly feel unbearable. One moment you’re charmed; the next, you’re repulsed. It feels irrational, but powerful.
But here’s the twist: the ick doesn’t only belong to dating culture. It shows up in long-term marriage and surprisingly, in our relationship with God too.
When the Ick Becomes a Crisis
We often interpret emotional revulsion as a sign to run — divorce, detachment, deconstruction, or simply drifting away from faith.We fear that disgust means danger: “If I feel this way, something must be wrong.”
But what if the ick is not always a red flag — but a moment of spiritual maturity knocking on the door?
The real question becomes: Is this discomfort a warning? Or an invitation to grow?
Roots of the Feeling
1. Idealization vs. Reality
Early affection — romantic or spiritual — is fueled by dopamine, novelty, and imagination. When the chemicals settle, we face the ordinary.
Your spouse is human. Your church is imperfect. God is not a vending machine.
And as Scripture reminds us:
"The heart is deceitful above all things…"
Jeremiah 17:9
Our feelings can mislead us into believing something is broken when it’s simply becoming real.
2. Disgust as Emotional Armor
The brain protects us from vulnerability. When intimacy deepens, commitment increases — and with it, fear.
Disgust creates distance so we don’t risk rejection, hurt, or exposure.
3. The Mirror Effect
The traits we criticize most intensely in others often reflect parts of ourselves we resist confronting.
In this sense, the ick can be a mirror, not a verdict.
The Spiritual Ick: Faith Feeling Strange
Sometimes the discomfort isn’t about doctrine — it’s about emotional exhaustion, unmet expectations, or internal conflict. Before it becomes detached, it appears subtly.
This looks like:
• worship songs suddenly feeling “cringe”
• familiar verses sounding cliché
• prayer feeling empty or mechanical
• God seeming distant, demanding, or disappointing
And sometimes what we interpret as disgust is actually fear — the same fear Scripture names:
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…"
1 John 4:18
The spiritual ick appears when our emotions panic at the depth of intimacy God is inviting us into.
You cannot truly love God until you surrender the illusion of who you imagined Him to be — just as you cannot fully love a spouse until the fantasy version dies.
Disillusionment isn’t the end of faith. It is the doorway to mature love.
How to Stay When You Want Out
1. Don’t make decisions in emotional fog
If there is no abuse, give yourself time. Let the storm pass before rewriting your life or your theology.
2. Interrogate the disgust
Journal, pray, or talk with a safe person:
• What does this irritation threaten in me?
• Am I burned out? Afraid? Overwhelmed?
• Is this about God — or my expectations of Him?
Often, the ick reveals a deeper wound, not a divine failure.
3. Practice love through small liturgies
Long-term love — with a spouse or God — grows through chosen practices:
• praying even when it feels dry
• serving even when unnoticed
• listening even when frustrated
This is how eros grows into agape — the kind of love that stays.
What the Ick Reveals
The ick feels like an ending — a fracture, a warning, a shutting door. But often it’s the opposite:
It is the moment love stops being imaginary and starts becoming real.
You don’t mature by staying inside emotional comfort. You mature by lingering long enough to see what lies beneath the surface — in your spouse, in yourself, and in God.
If you move through the recoil rather than running from it, you may find:
• a more grounded faith
• a more honest love
• a more courageous heart
• a God larger than your expectations
Because sometimes the ick isn’t telling you to flee. Sometimes it’s telling you: “You’re closer than you think.”